Farmhouse
I dreamt last night of a farmhouse, my farmhouse. Somehow I knew it was mine, and there was a lot of work to be done. I was very aware of just how much work it would be for me as a single person to do the work of rehabbing the house and work the land to make it once again a working farm. Jenny was there, too, but as a child, and was, for one reason or another, in my care.
Plea bargain accepted
I just heard today that Eric Parr and his attorneys accepted the plea bargain. I think I know the details, but I’m not 100% sure. What I do know is that 5 years jail time is part of the bargain. Part of me is relieved, another still in shock, and yet another feeling like this is all very anti-climactic, as it won’t bring Jenny back. But it is a milestone, and another opportunity to heal.
Dream within a dream
Last night, I had a dream of Jenny that was quite different from any I’ve had before. She was there, and she was with Gus. They were just there, and rather than feeling sad, I was content and enjoying their presence. Jenny started to walk away, and I said, “Please don’t leave.” And for the first time I can remember in my dreams of Jenny, she spoke to me. She said, “You can come stay with us.” I can’t remember if I said it or just thought it, but my response was “I can’t.” And then I left the dream. I didn’t wake up, but in my dream, I closed my eyes, and the dream of Jenny was no more.
Communing
Day 4: Photostream
By the time 5:15 Tuesday morning arrived, I was awake, but just wasn’t quite ready to get up. “I’ll just rest for a few more minutes,” I thought. Next thing I knew, it was 7 a.m. I quickly got ready and left the hotel only to find myself stuck going the wrong direction due to construction that closed all the exits for 10 miles out. Frustrated that I got to such a late start, I was hoping I’d be able to make up for lost time at some point throughout the day.
I finally arrived at my first destination, San Xavier del Bac Mission south of Tucson. There are times when the obstacles of the day turn into a gift, and this was one of those days. As I entered the mission, mass was just starting, and I realized I was meant to be there in that moment. I quietly took a seat in one of the pews.
In remembrance
It’s so hard to believe that it is one year ago today that Jenny was declared dead by the Broward County Police Department. One year ago as of 1:30 this morning. Being here in Florida, the memory of those first moments of awareness, when Norrie called and told me that there had been an accident, and the days, weeks, and months that followed resonate so clearly.
Yesterday we went to the accident site, laying flowers at the place where the accident occurred, and tried to make sense of the events leading up to the accident with my mother. “That’s the left turn lane she was in,” she said, “and there’s the place where they were staying. That’s where she was going.” But, of course, she never made it.
Thinking about Jen and Gus and, of course, about Kris, who is in California for the weekend with friends, brings back feelings of loss and grief, but also joy and delight. Jenny was so full of life, and loved dearly the warmth and the heat of places like Florida. She loved the ocean, and it’s hard not to think about her and her last days here as we say goodbye.
Norrie and I took Jen’s ashes yesterday, transferred from the bag in which they arrived to a biodegradable urn that will be left at sea once her ashes are scattered. It’s hard to imagine a life so full as Jenny’s being contained in this small bag of what is, essentially, bones. But of course, it’s not Jenny in that urn, but the material manifestation of her life here on earth. Jenny could never be contained, even from the earliest days of her life here on earth, and she never will be. She is everywhere in and around us, everywhere in and around me.
I love you, baby sister, and I miss you each and every day.
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