Musings & Meditations

Plea bargain accepted

Posted in Family by Pam Keesey on July 10, 2008

I just heard today that Eric Parr and his attorneys accepted the plea bargain. I think I know the details, but I’m not 100% sure. What I do know is that 5 years jail time is part of the bargain. Part of me is relieved, another still in shock, and yet another feeling like this is all very anti-climactic, as it won’t bring Jenny back. But it is a milestone, and another opportunity to heal.

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Dream within a dream

Posted in Family by Pam Keesey on June 26, 2008

Last night, I had a dream of Jenny that was quite different from any I’ve had before. She was there, and she was with Gus. They were just there, and rather than feeling sad, I was content and enjoying their presence. Jenny started to walk away, and I said, “Please don’t leave.” And for the first time I can remember in my dreams of Jenny, she spoke to me. She said, “You can come stay with us.” I can’t remember if I said it or just thought it, but my response was “I can’t.” And then I left the dream. I didn’t wake up, but in my dream, I closed my eyes, and the dream of Jenny was no more.

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In the Garden

Posted in Garden by Pam Keesey on June 22, 2008

It’s finally warmer and drier here in Seattle, and we’ve had at least a bit of sun, so I’ve spent most of my waking, non-work/non-commuting hours this week in the garden. What a wonderful time it has been.

I’ve rediscovered the meditative space of the garden, which has been so close all this time, but seemed so far in the midst of rain and gray and cold. Losing myself in digging and planting and transplanting, and feeling the physical effects of digging sod for the first time ever. But I see my garden transforming, small square by small square, and a vision forming of the space that I want to create, one that is being nurtured by me, but is nature itself.

The thoughts and the emotions come and go as I position the spade, force it into the dirt, and bring up not just grass, nor only bulbs or tubers, but also worms and beetles and larvae of things to come, and I realize those things that I see in the freshly dug soil are also inside of me, the multiplicity of organic, living things that is the universe of the body, the galaxy of the mind, the larvae of things to come.

It’s going to be a slow transformation, but there is a vision, and to watch it evolve, take form, take shape, is such a satisfying feeling. And I find myself thinking of the wonderful stories of magical gardens, secret gardens, gardens of the self and of the soul, and I know that we’ve always known — the human race has always known — the magic of gardens, that mystical place where nature and nurture meet.

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Urban Carnival

Posted in Spirituality by Pam Keesey on June 21, 2008

Dreamt of a post-industrial city, all iron and steel, intermittently illuminated with the erractic flash of aging neon, populated with grime-covered clowns looking for love. In the midst of it all, I am talking with someone, trying to work through my feelings of grief and longing.

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Highways & Byways

Posted in Travel by Pam Keesey on May 29, 2008

When my plans for Memorial Day weekend disintegrated, I knew I had to do something, but I wasn’t sure what. A quick internet search turned up a cheap ticket to Phoenix….

Phoenix? What was I going to do in Phoenix? A few internet searches later, I found inspiration by way of Route 66, and a plan suddenly began to fall into place.

In trying to make sense of the emotions with which I’ve been flooded on a daily basis since Jenny’s death, I’ve renewed and more seriously pursued my interest in Buddhist meditation. As a part of that journey, I’ve also been feeling a pull to get out on my own, to get into the out of doors, and to clear my mind to the best of my ability. (If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend Awake in the Wild: Mindfulness in Nature as a Path of Self-Discovery by Mark Coleman.) I thought the woods was my calling, but I was suddenly overcome with the desire to be in the desert, to be out in the dry heat and blazing sun, to be alone with my thoughts with nothing to concern me or distract me but the open road ahead.


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