Musings & Meditations

Dream within a dream

Posted in Family by Pam Keesey on June 26, 2008

Last night, I had a dream of Jenny that was quite different from any I’ve had before. She was there, and she was with Gus. They were just there, and rather than feeling sad, I was content and enjoying their presence. Jenny started to walk away, and I said, “Please don’t leave.” And for the first time I can remember in my dreams of Jenny, she spoke to me. She said, “You can come stay with us.” I can’t remember if I said it or just thought it, but my response was “I can’t.” And then I left the dream. I didn’t wake up, but in my dream, I closed my eyes, and the dream of Jenny was no more.

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In remembrance

Posted in Family by Pam Keesey on April 5, 2008

It’s so hard to believe that it is one year ago today that Jenny was declared dead by the Broward County Police Department. One year ago as of 1:30 this morning. Being here in Florida, the memory of those first moments of awareness, when Norrie called and told me that there had been an accident, and the days, weeks, and months that followed resonate so clearly.

Yesterday we went to the accident site, laying flowers at the place where the accident occurred, and tried to make sense of the events leading up to the accident with my mother. “That’s the left turn lane she was in,” she said, “and there’s the place where they were staying. That’s where she was going.” But, of course, she never made it.

Thinking about Jen and Gus and, of course, about Kris, who is in California for the weekend with friends, brings back feelings of loss and grief, but also joy and delight. Jenny was so full of life, and loved dearly the warmth and the heat of places like Florida. She loved the ocean, and it’s hard not to think about her and her last days here as we say goodbye.

Norrie and I took Jen’s ashes yesterday, transferred from the bag in which they arrived to a biodegradable urn that will be left at sea once her ashes are scattered. It’s hard to imagine a life so full as Jenny’s being contained in this small bag of what is, essentially, bones. But of course, it’s not Jenny in that urn, but the material manifestation of her life here on earth. Jenny could never be contained, even from the earliest days of her life here on earth, and she never will be. She is everywhere in and around us, everywhere in and around me.

I love you, baby sister, and I miss you each and every day.

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Ringing in the New Year

Posted in Family by Pam Keesey on January 2, 2008

My long, dark tea-time of the soul. That’s how I have been thinking of 2007. I have never wanted a year to be over so badly.

2007 has been, without question, the most difficult year of my life so far. In fact, the last five years have been challenging. As I was telling a friend, my life since moving to Seattle has been largely defined by the themes of death and dying. But to lose my dear sister not just my sister, but my baby girl, one of my closest and dearest friends, and my most fierce and loyal supporter was more than I was prepared to deal with.

As I move into 2008, it is with a heavy heart and an eye toward introspection, reflection, transformation, and healing. So perhaps that long, dark tea-time of the soul isnt quite over. But I have a dream of coming through this with greater self awareness, deeper connections, and a new vision of my life moving forward. That is my wish and my hope as I start this new year.

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